i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
