If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
