So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
