On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
