Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Michael Bay diarrhea
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
