and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
