i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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