people are starting to question the shark bite story
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
