so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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