I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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