i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
how does that bad decision feel?
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
