Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Randomize
