hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Randomize
