I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
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i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
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