Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Liz is crying about burritos again.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Randomize
