i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
