Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
