Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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