I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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