he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
