yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
