Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
