I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
