A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
