Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
