Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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