It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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