Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
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