I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
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