dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
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