Just cropdusted the office
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
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