Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
