upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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