She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
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