Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
I checked into jail on foursquare
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
