Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Randomize
