On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
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