Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
