Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
