It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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