i think my tv is drunk
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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