I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
You are the jesus of drinking
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
