3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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