I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
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