Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize
