Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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