I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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