I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
