sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
