So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
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Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
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That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Randomize