I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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