remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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