1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
