a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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