why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
he fucked my hip out of place.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
