how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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