Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
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