I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
I forget how to act sober
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
