textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
