my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Randomize
