Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
