on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
