I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
