I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
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Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
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Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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