remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
