Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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