I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
And then he peed in my hair
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