You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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