if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
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He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
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He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
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