Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
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